Does believing in something good necessarily imply that one must believe in existence of its opposite as well?
Sometimes one has the ability to see the brighter side of things, smiles and kind gestures and sometimes nothing but darkness… and sometimes people are at such a stage in life that light fills their hearts and sometimes, they just get used to operating out of darkness… but does one obviously imply the existence of the other? When I see a person operating out of darkness and I try and show them the light that I see, I sometimes wonder, am I wrong to do what I am doing, because it is a fact that the darkness that they see is as much there… but isn’t that true for the light I see too?
As a child I used to have nightmares, I used to wake up and nights and couldn’t go back to sleep (it wasn’t a constant thing or anything like that, but I remember that it happened). I remember a night at my aunt’s house when I sat up in the middle of the night, too scared to go back to sleep… my nani was sleeping beside me and told me that I should keep reciting ram ram ram ram and sleep would come and nothing bad will happen. I must have been six then. So I slept reciting ram ram ram ram, and I slept peacefully. I think by the time I was seven I had decided that ghosts or bad dreams didn’t worry me after all. Somehow, I reached a decision very consciously… I decided that I believed in ghosts and spirits and all those things that may be out there that we may not even know the names of… but that I also believed with all my heart, in God. And if I believed in God, there was no reason to fear anything, because God after all was God, and I will be protected, come what may!
In the next few years, I learnt another very important lesson about my relationship with God. I learnt that religion did not matter, I pray in a certain manner because I am used to praying in that manner and I do not follow the exact ritual in any case (for whatever reason I light 1 diya for dhanteras, 9 for choti diwali and 29 for diwali – my mother has no idea why I have these exact numbers in my head, but I just do; I used to celebrate Krishna’s birthday at 12 am and not the declared pooja time as if I were wishing a best friend on the eve of his birthday and not conducting a ritual on janamashthmi ), but God has nothing to do with religion.
At 11, I was in love with Krishna. Completely. As if he were a human I could actually be in love with. I started writing for him, I was Radha and Meera and Andala and every cell in my body and soul felt unparalleled love… and in that I realised that one is not to fear God but to love God, and one is not to fear love but to love – love…
There are enough instances in life to prove otherwise. And I can’t narrate half as many to prove my thesis, but I know that even as I fear… making the wrong choices, trusting the wrong people, beong wronged and feeling unloved… I operate from belief and love, and something tells me, if I do, despite life, there must be something to it… and if I am as mad as I sometimes think I am... there must be something to that too.
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Shweta Rao
My name is Shweta Rao and I am a multimedia designer by profession. I run a tiny design unit called the Banyan Tree. This blog exists because it should exist, because these conversations are needed, at least by me…
If I have to think of who I am, rather than what I do, then I am may be a drifting thought process, comforting for some and very uncomfortable for others… someone once paid me a compliment (perhaps one of the best in my life), that I am a bridge of light… whether I am that or not, I do not know, what I do know is that I do feel light… sometimes inside me and sometimes around me, sometimes in the smiles of strangers and sometimes in the warmth of loved ones… I also feel the dark, very acutely in fact, but when I do, I know somewhere, or at least I know that I will know..that there is light, just around that hidden corner… just beyond the vision of my eye…
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If you know me personally, read this first…
I think I owe people/friends this explanation, and I am making a page and not a post of it so it’s always right there to read and does not get lost in the categories….
A lot of people I know have serious reservations and sometimes even objection to ‘wearing your emotions on your sleeve.’
Truth or true feelings (because I am not sure about the objectivity of truth at all times) are not a very convenient thing, to others and more often than not even to our own selves… we tend to shut ourselves off almost unconsciously, automatically. We operate from several defensive positions and make our walls accordingly. Some of us just keep to ourselves, some of us stay on the offensive all the time without realizing it and keep wrapping the offensiveness into meaningful explanations. Some of us develop a sense of humour and/or a lifestyle that doesn’t require a “talking to ourselves process” of this kind. And some simply, as my father says “make a face to meet a face”. (I never learned the fine art of making the face… sometimes I wish I did, but overall I am happy that I did not.)
Even though I declared the opening of this blog on my face book, its audience is not my friends. I don’t think there is any specific audience, there never was – other than the times when I wrote for love… I write for myself because it helps me be… it’s the only way really, that I know to be… I have been accused of too many words, somehow people miss that they are never mere words, they are who I am, I am because of them, and they are what they are because of who I am, people miss my relationship with my words, they just don’t see it at times… this blog is about that relationship.
This blog is about my discovering my own processes, my talking to me and to a larger universe. Why I choose a public forum though, to express states of mind that might be too personal, is because I think somehow, the universe now, would rather, that I choose this medium…we can all do with more openness in our lives too! I don’t think sharing any of it makes it any less personal… it subjects me to opinions, which is fine maybe… maybe not… when it is not I will cross that bridge then…maybe I will learn thorough the interaction, may be through the monologue, maybe by rediscovering a hidden feeling, may be by revisiting an old anger or happiness….this blog is about my discovering my own processes.
If in a state of mind, at a given day and time, I write a blog that’s addressed to someone or is about someone… I promise for the sake of that person and their circumstance that I will never take names. People, who might know the circumstance otherwise, might know who is being talked about, but that I cannot help… but I will not take names that way.
And when I do write my autobiography, I will change names I promise (though how I will find so many names is beyond me, maybe I will interchange some of your names and completely confuse you).
I think I owe people/friends this explanation, and I am making a page and not a post of it so it’s always right there to read and does not get lost in the categories….
A lot of people I know have serious reservations and sometimes even objection to ‘wearing your emotions on your sleeve.’
Truth or true feelings (because I am not sure about the objectivity of truth at all times) are not a very convenient thing, to others and more often than not even to our own selves… we tend to shut ourselves off almost unconsciously, automatically. We operate from several defensive positions and make our walls accordingly. Some of us just keep to ourselves, some of us stay on the offensive all the time without realizing it and keep wrapping the offensiveness into meaningful explanations. Some of us develop a sense of humour and/or a lifestyle that doesn’t require a “talking to ourselves process” of this kind. And some simply, as my father says “make a face to meet a face”. (I never learned the fine art of making the face… sometimes I wish I did, but overall I am happy that I did not.)
Even though I declared the opening of this blog on my face book, its audience is not my friends. I don’t think there is any specific audience, there never was – other than the times when I wrote for love… I write for myself because it helps me be… it’s the only way really, that I know to be… I have been accused of too many words, somehow people miss that they are never mere words, they are who I am, I am because of them, and they are what they are because of who I am, people miss my relationship with my words, they just don’t see it at times… this blog is about that relationship.
This blog is about my discovering my own processes, my talking to me and to a larger universe. Why I choose a public forum though, to express states of mind that might be too personal, is because I think somehow, the universe now, would rather, that I choose this medium…we can all do with more openness in our lives too! I don’t think sharing any of it makes it any less personal… it subjects me to opinions, which is fine maybe… maybe not… when it is not I will cross that bridge then…maybe I will learn thorough the interaction, may be through the monologue, maybe by rediscovering a hidden feeling, may be by revisiting an old anger or happiness….this blog is about my discovering my own processes.
If in a state of mind, at a given day and time, I write a blog that’s addressed to someone or is about someone… I promise for the sake of that person and their circumstance that I will never take names. People, who might know the circumstance otherwise, might know who is being talked about, but that I cannot help… but I will not take names that way.
And when I do write my autobiography, I will change names I promise (though how I will find so many names is beyond me, maybe I will interchange some of your names and completely confuse you).
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