Growing up in love...

Going over memories of an eternity... the look on my face in the light of love and confidence... where did it go? Where did I loose myself? So much that may be, just may be, I can never love again....

What does it mean for a person to feel ‘right’ for you? As you grow up the question of this 'right' takes prominence over the question of love... this is not some idealistic “Mr. Right/Ms. Right” situation - one knows one’s own limitations -one knows by now, love may not mean livability... and when it doesn’t... it just means immense amounts of pain and disappointment, sacrifices and suffocation... from making you feel the best of yourself, it leads you to become the worst you can be... I don’t want to be the worst I can be...

I have known myself to be vulnerable and flow as if there were no stops, no boundaries, I can build myself and crush myself (and my other) with the might of my emotions… and I have known myself to become completely cold, detached… may be the reason I am so scared of falling in love again is that I don’t want to fall out of love again, grow cold again, reach a place where I cant feel again… or may be its that I don’t want the other person to fall out of love… both feel awful…

I had promised myself that I will not fall in love with a project again… what if my perception is wrong? What if all the theories of a lifetime are wrong and…. Then again, what if they aren’t?

But one thing is for sure, I am too tired and I cant drain my energies anymore... my reserves are very very low... I don't know what I have left to offer... if love has to happen... it will have to find its way to me, heal me .... I don't think I can reach out anymore...